My Relationship with Alcohol
How my life has revolved around alcohol.
While sifting through some old pictures with my parents I came across a photo of myself as a baby with my dad, he’s holding a bottle of Corona near my face and gesturing to make it look like I was drinking from it. In the picture he’s laughing, I’m laughing, my other family members behind him are laughing, it’s pure joy all around. Yet it’s also a fairly solid indication to my early exposure to alcohol.
Drinking and the celebratory act of drinking has been a common thing in my life, and very much so for other people as well. So while my story isn’t exclusive to me alone, I do want to open up a little more about how alcohol played a role in my life. From when I was growing up, to my ongoing phase of adulthood.
Warning: This is gonna be a lengthy read, I apologize in advance.
Growing Up Around Alcohol
That instance I described as a baby was just one of many, as alcohol played a pretty vital role in my life growing up. It was common to attend birthday parties, baby showers or other gatherings and expect a fully loaded bar like the stock picture above. Hell if there wasn’t liquor then it would be a problem!
Growing up it was common to see my dad crack open a beer after coming home from work. I’d frequently tag along with my parents to the liquor store, pointing at the different kinds of drinks and having them tell me if its good, as if the palate of a 5 year old could tell you if Crown Royal was a good rye whiskey or not. Like most people growing up, I too had my fair share of sips and tastes of cocktails growing up. It always ended with me recoiling and spitting all over the floor, while my family laughed and would tell me “you better get used to it when you grow up.”.
I stem this for the fact that Guyanese (or just West Indian/Caribbean people in general) live and die by the rum. Drinking is so ingrained into our culture that it’s almost second nature. To be quite honest, it’s a aspect of my background that I’ve grown to hate, and especially now on my alcohol-free journey.
Looking back now though, I can’t help but question why we had to include alcohol at every single special occasion. Like seriously, is it necessary to do shots of Johnnie Walker Black on a Sunday morning during a 2 year old’s birthday party? While that might be subjective (especially if you don’t like the toddler) The fact of the matter is that it’s just strange and feels like a way to just get people to show up to these type of things. While these are all mundane, in a way it sort of primed my expectations for when I would start drinking.
Having My First Drink
I was around 16 when I had my first drink. I can vividly remember how it happened: 10 years ago, me and my two friends had the bright idea of taking shots of Grand Old Parr Scotch while watching the movie Ride Along. It took about an hour and 7–8 shots later to realize it was a bad idea, resulting in nausea, a mother of all hangovers, and me sitting inside of my refrigerator preaching like I was Tyler Durden from Fight Club.
The reaction I got from my parents came in two forms. First, they scolded the hell out of me (and rightfully so), secondly they questioned why we chose a Scotch as our first drink. The topic veered from getting in trouble for underage drinking to “you made a bad first choice, why didn’t you drink X instead?” Thinking about it now, and maybe I’m over analyzing this, but I found it confusing that their reaction went from hostility to suddenly giving me recommendations for the next time.
After that I wouldn’t have another drink for quite a while. I’d say I didn’t pick it back up until I was 19, the legal drinking age here in Canada. After that nightmare that happened in 2014, I didn’t have a need to want to drink again. The desire to drink alcohol wasn’t there yet, however, it was definitely starting to brew once I entered university.
Alcohol Starts Becoming a Regular Thing
You know how college goes, parties and gatherings make up a bulk of the experience, and at York University there were quite a few bars/pubs scattered around campus. I started to join my group of friends after classes to catch up and socialize. Around this time I was an extreme introvert and I figured going out more and mingling with people would help.
It certainly did, but with that came alcohol. Downing a couple beers after a midterm exam became a common thing, and outside of university my friend group in my hometown also started to drink more often. Alcohol was slowly seeping its way into my life, drip feeding itself into my day to day routine here and there.
It wasn’t until I was around 21 that I really started making drinking a regular thing. I was going to the liquor store once a week picking up coolers and such. At this time I was working at an assembly line on night shifts, so after work I was doing exactly what my dad would do: crack a few drinks after a long day. At the time I didn’t think much of it because “that’s what everybody does!” but things would change going in to 2020.
2020: The Year That Changed Everything
2020 was a shit year, I think we’ve all collectively agreed as a society on that. For me though, it was more than just COVID-19 that turned that year sideways. In February of 2020, I lost my Grandfather. This was somebody I was extremely close to, from the day I was born until the day he died.
I took his death quite hard, and I turned to liquor to help me cope with his loss. As a West Indian person, drinking at wakes or funerals is a common practice as a means to honour/remember a deceased person. Naturally I found myself sharing drinks with my uncles, aunts, and cousins frequently during the week of his funeral.
Soon after, the COVID-19 lockdowns started here in Canada. I was out of work for the foreseeable future, I couldn’t physically hangout with my friends and family. All I could really do was stay at home and isolate myself. It was during these first few months of the lockdown that my Grandfather’s loss started to take a toll on me. The memories and the “What if’s” started to play in my head, I missed him dearly and it made me incredibly depressed.
Naturally, having found alcohol as a coping mechanism, I started drinking whenever I’d get these feelings in my head. To me, I was soothing these thoughts when in reality, I was repressing his loss and instead of grieving in a healthy manner, I was bottling these emotions up, figuratively and literally.
My Problem Starts Becoming (Even More) Noticeable
2021 was the year of a lot of changes for me. I ended up quitting my assembly line job, picked up another part-time job and was getting ready to pursue my post-grad studies later that year. Despite the pandemic still lingering I was dead set on achieving my goals and pursuing the life I was ready to start living. There was a lot of positivity in my life at this time yet amidst all of it, alcohol was still prevalent, and was starting to have a death grip on me.
It was around this year that my drinking was becoming very, very noticeable. My parents would make comments towards me after I’d pour my 3rd or 4th glass of wine for the night. Bottles of beer would get stacked higher and higher in our garage throughout the weeks. My tolerance was getting even stronger, and I’d start sneaking down to the basement to take swigs of vodka from our bar. Most mornings before my online classes I’d take shots of tequila to “wake myself up”. At this point, it wasn’t about grief anymore. I wasn’t drinking to cope with the loss of a loved one. I was drinking because I liked being drunk.
Looking back I can’t help but feel so selfish. I didn’t care what people thought of me, I just liked to have a good time. That was the excuse I’d tell myself to justify my need to keep drinking. It’s an incredibly stupid way to justify my alcoholism, and I still can’t believe I’d use to tell myself that all the time whenever my drinking would get questioned.
But what makes this so ironic for me is that in the summer of that year, a situation regarding one of my uncles and his alcoholism turned quite sour. To a stage where he was forced to live with my parents and myself while he was in recovery. I got to witness first hand both the impact alcoholism can have on somebody, and the mental toll it will take on you. My uncle was a reflection of what I could possibly become if I didn’t get my act together, a statement my mom would constantly repeat to me. However, my pride got the best of me and I would refuse to listen, but I really wished I did.
Reaching my Breaking Point
Between 2022 and 2023, I maintained a steady drinking pattern. I was following a routine every day, once the clock struck 5 it was drinking time. From Monday-Sunday my evenings would consist of me getting tipsy, depending how my mood was I’d end up getting drunk, I’d pass out in my basement and wake up with a raging hangover, then I’d repeat the same process all over again.
It was like clockwork, I’d repeat this same pattern over and over, constantly destroying my body each day. It was taking a huge toll on me. Some days I’d wake up with shaky wrists, I’d feel nauseous every time I woke up, at one point I thought I was having a stroke. Yet despite my body giving me clear warning signs to quit drinking, I never stopped.
Eventually, I did reach my breaking point on New Year’s Eve of 2023. I can remember that whole week was a fucking nightmare. Being it was the holidays and I wanted to “be joyful and merry”, I was drinking every day. I’d be hungover in the mornings and drunk in the evenings. On NYE though, I finally learned my lesson. I spoke about it back in January but to reiterate, I had a much needed look in the mirror that shook me to my core, and it forced me to revaluate my relationship with alcohol.
I spent the first day of 2024 analyzing the damage I had put myself through over the last 4–5 years, wondering how I let it get out of control. It was on that day I said to myself: “I can’t just cut back on drinking, I need to go cold turkey and stop this right here, right now.” Initially I planned to just go dry for January, but as the month went on I realized if I started drinking again I’d end up back to square one, and I’d be letting this cycle of addiction to continue spinning.
Today, Here and Now
Fast forward and here we are now, I’m currently 9 months sober from alcohol, a feat that I didn’t think was possible. Attempting sobriety on just willpower alone is not easy, and for some people it could be dangerous. I consider myself lucky that my alcoholism didn’t get to that point where I needed medical attention or even a recovery program, and my heart is with anybody whose going through either of those processes.
Over these 9 months I not only reflected on my past habits but my reasons as to why I chose alcohol in the first place. As much as I want to point the finger and blame somebody, the only person responsible for putting myself into this spiral of addiction is me, and me alone. I had to own up to this and admit to myself that I was the cause, doing so has humbled me in many ways I couldn’t even imagine.
Sobriety will force you to look at yourself in the mirror. It will make you question who you are, who you were, and who you want to become. It’s like taking those rose coloured glasses off and seeing your world for what it is, it’s not pretty but now seeing it in a clearer view, you can then start working on making it better. It’s certainly not easy, but nothing worthwhile in this life is.
I’ve probably mentioned this before in another article but I need to reiterate: sobriety is just one step in the process of achieving the life you want. As much as quitting drinking did help me, it didn’t magically solve my problems and make my life easier. What it did do though, is force me to look at the problem areas in my life and find ways to make it better. An example of this would be my relationship with my parents. Not saying it was terrible but I can admit when I was a heavy drinker our relationship wasn’t the best. In these 9 months I’ve gotten much closer to them, I’m learning even more about them and appreciating their qualities even more than ever.
I could keep rambling on and on but hopefully you get the idea. My relationship with alcohol was a rocky one, and I’m glad that I’ve finally broken up with the bottle. Writing about my sobriety journey during this year has allowed me to express myself freely and hopefully gives those reading some understanding of not just who I am, but also some comfort if they too are also in a similar situation as me.
As I write this I’m 2 weeks away from my 27th birthday, and for the first time in a long time I’ll be ringing in another year around the sun with more clarity than ever before. I’m excited to start this new chapter in this book called life with a better mindset, and I hope that it’s something I will continue to strive for as the years go by.
